Invalidation: When Support is more Harmful than Helpful

I would venture to say that we have all experienced it (and accidentally have done it ourselves). We are in our feelings, and a friend, family member, coworker, or other human being tries to be helpful and supportive by saying things like “Don’t cry,” “Maybe if you tried to stop being depressed…,” “It could have been much worse,” “Stop worrying about it,” or so many other phrases. Words meant to be helpful miss their mark completely, and we find ourselves either feeling the same way or even worse for wear. We may hear these phrases and think to ourselves “I WANT to cry. I don’t need to be shamed for it,” “Gee, do you think I WANT to be depressed?” “Thanks. Minimize the way I feel in favor of the fact that the situation wasn’t ‘as bad as it could have been,’” or “I am worried for a reason. Why can’t you understand that?” Instead of being told something we needed to hear in that moment, we were told something that is not helpful at all.

‘Validate’ is defined by the Merriam-Webster dictionary as ‘to recognize, establish, or illustrate the worthiness or legitimacy of.’ People often try to help others feel better by saying things like the phrases above, but end up invalidating them. The above phrases do not recognize the legitimacy of the emotions the person feeling them is experiencing—it tells them that they should not be feeling the way they do in the moment, or should try to feel different than what they feel. You can understand why people might still feel crummy after basically being told that how they’re feeling is wrong.

So how do we validate, or recognize the legitimacy of someone else’s emotions? Even if we don’t understand them, or agree with them feeling the emotions, we can agree that they are feeling that way, or tell them it’s ok that they feel that way. It sounds silly, but doing this can actually help a person start feeling better. To have another human being say that they see you are feeling a certain way, that it is ok to feel that way, or that the situation they are going through was a tough one can be incredibly freeing and helpful. For some, it may help them feel like they are not alone in this feeling or situation, and that they are understood. I always find it amazing to see people’s reactions to being validated, especially if they have lived a life full of people who don’t know how to validate. Much of the time, they feel better after being told it’s ok to feel their feelings. Here are some examples of how to make the phrases above more validating:

-Instead of “Don’t cry!” try “It’s ok to cry.” (I encourage crying; it’s like getting the toxins out through tears).

-Instead of “Maybe if you tried to stop being depressed…” try “Feeling depressed seems like it would be really hard on you. Is there anything we can do to see if we can help you feel a little better?”

-Instead of “It could have been much worse!” try “I’m really sorry you went through that. It seems like a tough situation. Is there anything I can do to help things be better?”

-Instead of “Stop worrying about it,” try “I can see why you’d be mad.” Or “It’s ok to be mad.”

I remember someone asking once how to validate feelings or behaviors when self-harm is involved. In this case, it is best to validate the emotions the person is having, and suggest different ways to deal with them than the self-harm.

“It must be really hard having those feelings. Let’s think of other, more positive way to cope with them.”

On Self-validation- it may seem like a tall order, but it is possible to validate one’s self. When your inner critic is telling you how stupid you are for feeling this way, how you shouldn’t be mad or sad because *insert reason here*, it can be helpful to take a step back and tell yourself that you feel this way for a reason (even if you don’t understand why yet), and that it is ok to feel what you are feeling. When I am discussing emotions and situations with my clients, and big emotions come up for a small event that “shouldn’t” cause those big emotions, we usually find that the small event was merely the last straw in a string of other events. The emotions are always valid 😊

Have you ever noticed feeling worse when someone was trying to help? What feelings came up instead of feelings of relief/validation?